[Congratulations, Jesse, you're one of the very lucky winners to receive an actual video response as opposed to a carefully crafted audio response for Crowley to hide behind. This is mostly because Crowley doesn't think to change the format until too late. Fortunately he did think to actually get dressed and put his wings away. And manifest some sunglasses.]

[See, this is the problem with making friends with humans. Eventually they get clever, or you go and make a mistake, like drunkenly mention that you were totally there at that one important historical event about two hundred years ago, or they ask you why you make weird hissing sounds when you try to enter church grounds, or Hell decided to make your newest body have snake eyes as some perverse joke, and you tried to explain that, no, humans don't actually have yellow eyes and this is going to stand out like a sore thumb, and they tell you that sorry the paperwork has already gone through and the waiting time for a new body is up to twenty-five years now so you're just gonna have to deal with it, and it's still two hundred years till they invent goddamned sunglasses.]

[Anyway yeah. Something like that happens, and then comes the screaming and crying and exorcisms and blessings. One time somewhere in Egypt the local priest blessed the entire oasis when he found out what Crowley was. Pain in the ass. Or you find yourself surrounded by a mob who want to drown you in the river. Also a pain in the ass, even if it can't technically hurt you. It's doubly annoying when it's an actual friend who finds out, since there's a certain glumness that comes with knowing you probably won't be getting drinks with that interesting human anymore.]

[Jesse never struck Crowley as being particular religious, but even secular folk don't want to deal with demons. Frankly even demons don't want to deal with demons. So Crowley is expecting either some freaking out about the demon stuff, or general snide comments about shagging angels. He's not expecting what Jesse actually says.]

--What, no. What? An angel, really?

They're not fluffy...

[Not important right now, Crowley.]

I'm not an angel, I'm--he's an angel, sure, cat's out of the bag. I'm not. [He adjusts his sunglasses needlessly.]

[Welp. This is it. No sense in denying it anymore. Might as well own it.]

I'm a demon.

What do you mean, what kind of--the only kind worth mentioning. You've been talking to people from that universe, haven't you? Don't listen to them, their demons are rubbish and barely even count.

[Not demonic enough excuse you!!] And I'm plenty demonic, thank you very much.

[He huffs, completely affronted.] Just because I'm not raining hellfire down over the whole of Wonderland doesn't mean I'm not evil. I have literally never seen one of my kind running around with a pitchfork; not even sure where that stereotype comes from. And it'd be rather difficult to get close to people if we went around smelling like sulfur all the time, don't you think? [At least he doesn't mention that sulfur and brimstone are the same thing.]

And that salt thing, what a load of rubbish! Do you have any idea how much salt there is on the planet? Just in the soil or in the air or in building materials. Never mind the oceans. How would we ever get anything done if we couldn't handle a little salt?

[He's trying to imagine ever eating anything without salt and shudders. He'd never have survived living in Britain.]

I have no idea what you're talking about, traps and such. And I am certainly not possessing anyone, thank you. [He gives a dismissive wave of his hand.] That's for the lower echelons. Having a physical body is standard procedure for field agents. I earned this body fair as you like. Do you have any idea what the procedure is like for getting a body? Imagine queueing for twenty years and then having to fill out about three million pages of paperwork.

Got it in one. Some of that was my influence. Though they never do listen to my better ideas. [Like mobile phones. I mean, come on now.]

[He shifts uncomfortably.] Not really upper...more middle management. In some ways, field agents are the bottom of the barrel. But I also generally have a bit more freedom.

[He makes an annoyed sound.] Infernal things. Temptation, spreading discord, securing souls for Hell. And freedom to take good long breaks from the job when I feel like it.

Of course not. What would be the point? ...Newborns automatically get into Heaven anyway, so it would be counterproductive.

[It's almost insulting that this is what people assume of demons. It's good to be feared and all, that's kind of the whole point, how the system works--but still. Crowley thinks it's probably just so people can avoid the fact that it's usually humans who get up to the really nasty business.]

Of course it's a stealth operation. If Heaven finds out that we're up to something, an angel comes along to do a bit of smiting. If humans find out, there's suddenly a religious revival and everyone is quite a bit less keen on sinning. It's best for everyone if it all stays quiet. Heaven as well. Humans like to believe in things, but seeing something tends to blow their little minds. ...No offense.

Exactly. Exactly. See, it's not so difficult to understand.