entranceway | [ 004 | Audio/Action ]

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[ 004 | Audio/Action ]

[Audio:]

[It's evening when Angel's message reaches the network. There's a brief pause after the feed initially opens, an incredibly faint hint of background noise filling in the gap while the speaker searches for words -- a low humming picked up from the sounds of the birds and crickets going about their business in the garden.]

Cordelia Chase is no longer here in Wonderland. She had friends here. I thought-- they'd want to know.

[Admittedly, he didn't know who she was close to beyond him. They never talked about that kind of thing, but it was important that anyone else who cared about her know that she was no longer with them. They deserved that, even if he didn't know them well enough to give the message personally.]

If you knew her, she probably appreciated you more than you realize.

[That's just the kind of person she is. A big, big heart to match that thousand-watt smile of hers.]

That's all.

[The feed ends abruptly. He never was good with public addresses.]

[Action:]

[With dark having fallen, Angel can be found out in the garden beyond the mansion, seated on one of the benches there and hunched over, his eyebrows drawn downwards as his mouth settles into a determinedly flat line, pensive. Pensive Face is pretty standard for him, but there's something more to it now, a little extra hunch to his shoulders, his usual level of brooding upgraded to Brooding with a capital B.

Her disappearance has hit him hard, for a thousand different reasons, most of which he's not sure he can articulate.

Anyone who passes by and looks closely enough might see that he's holding a piece of jewelry in his hands -- a locket, which he turns over and over without rest, even when he directs his gaze elsewhere, tirelessly repeating the same seemingly meaningless routine as he mulls over what this disappearance means. For Cordelia. For him.

He can't say he knows for sure what she's going back to. Death, but more than that. The Powers always had bigger plans for her, and somehow the uncertainty makes everything worse. All he knows that her leaving again--

He's lost her so many times now. Failed her just like he's failed everyone else, but somehow this is so much more painful. He feels defeated. Nobody trusted him or believed in him the way Cordelia did, but he's never been able to protect her. Not the way he ought to.]

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[That's...really sad, to her. Her voice softens.]

You sound like you're a very good father. You really care about Connor a lot, and that's such an important thing.

[It's the most important thing about being a parent, she thinks. Just caring deeply about the well-being of your child and doing what you think is best for them.]

But...if you don't mind me asking...why is he safer if you stay away from him?

[Tohru's never felt like she was in danger around Angel, or threatened in any way by him. She can't imagine why Connor would be safer away from his father.]

[It's complicated, really. Difficult to explain -- it would take a long time to tell her the whole story from beginning to end, with parts of it he'd rather skip over entirely, but he thinks he can summarize.]

I have a lot of enemies. I've lived a long time, and I wasn't always the Angel you know now.

[He wasn't always good.]

There are people out there who will do whatever it takes to get to me, including using my son. One was successful. A man named Holtz. Because of him, Connor-- grew up without me. He didn't know me, only what he'd been told. Growing up the way he did... it broke him.

[Broke him in ways he's not sure he can explain, even if he wanted to.]

The only way to help him was to change his memories and let him live a safe and normal life somewhere else, away from me or anyone else who might use him as a weapon. For awhile, it worked. He had a family. He was going to school -- got into Stanford. [A touch of pride there for just a moment.] Eventually, he remembered -- but my life is still dangerous. I don't want him mixed up in that again. It stole his life away from him the first time. I won't let that happen all over again.

[Tohru's quiet for a long moment. When she speaks, her voice shakes a little.]

I...I'm really sorry. That's so sad. I had no idea.

[She takes a deep breath, and tells a story of her own. It isn't a story that belongs to her, but...she thinks it might help.]

I have a friend at home who had to do something similar. His mom...after he was born, she had a difficult time coping. Things were hard for her. [Because her son was cursed, but she decides that part doesn't need to be mentioned directly.] Her memories had to be changed too, so she could live a happy life. She forgot that she had ever had a child. She did get better, but...it was very difficult for her son. He's a very good person though, and still cares very much for her. He has a little sister now too...she doesn't know about him, but just knowing about her and seeing her for just a moment...it makes him smile so brightly.

[Tohru has to stop herself, or she's going to cry. She sounds like she might be starting to already, but she tries hard to halt her tears.]

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be...to have someone you love forget you and to go on remembering them. Memories are really important, but I just want to say I...I think you're really strong for it.

No way you could have known.

[It's meant to reassure her; he appreciates the sentiment, but he knows her well enough by now to realize that she could very well spend the next twenty minutes beating herself up for even daring to touch on a subject she thought was too sensitive.

But really, maybe he needed to talk about it. Now was the time to deal with loss.]

Think I know how your friend feels.

[Just seeing Connor, even when Connor didn't remember him, had been an experience. Seeing his son happy and healthy and with the opportunity to have a real future, a real life-- it made all of the loneliness and the pain worth it. He could deal with the loss if it meant better things for this son.

He smiles faintly to himself as she speaks, and when he responds, his own voice is uncharacteristically unsteady, thick, as though something is caught in his throat.]

I've never had anyone to talk to about it. [Never. Because he'd changed everyone else's memories, too -- removed Connor from their lives. As though he had never existed.] Maybe that was the hardest part. Having to keep it to myself. But all of it, no matter how hard it is -- I know it's what's best for him.

[Tohru doesn't dispute that. She doesn't sound like she wants to either. While she considers all memories precious, she's never been in that situation. She could never definitively say what's best for Connor, but she knows that Angel has done the best he can, and that he's made all of these choices with Connor's safety and happiness in mind.]

Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, no matter what their problems are. No one should have to be alone with their troubles.

[Even if he's doing the right thing, and even if it's for the best, he should still have someone to confide in sometimes. No one can carry a weight that heavy in their hearts by themselves.]

In that case though, I'm glad you feel like you can talk to me about things like this. It means a lot, that you trust me that much. Anytime you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you, okay? I'll do whatever I can to help, even if it means just listening to your troubles.

[She knows realistically that there probably isn't very much she can actually do, but listening can be so important, and she knows she can do that much at least.]

I had a long time to get used to being alone with mine.

[Until Cordelia and Doyle. Until Wesley, Gunn and Fred, even Lorne -- but even then, he hadn't been able to tell his family everything.

What happened with Connor would always have to be his secret. Wesley learned the truth in the end and it nearly broke him. That hadn't been what he'd wanted.]

It's only fair, isn't it? You've trusted me. Seems to me that trust is a two-way street.

[It goes both ways, Tohru.]

I hope you know the same offer stands here. I don't always say the right things, but I can always listen.

Mm! Of course I trust you. You're my friend, Angel!

[And it's as simple as that for Tohru. No further explanation is needed. They're friends, so of course she trusts him with all her heart.]

Mm. I know you'll listen. Thank you so much for that. I...[A pause.] I'm not always...very good at talking about my own problems. But if I ever need to, I'll be sure to come to you too, okay?

[Tohru hates being a bother, so sometimes she really has to work up the nerve before she can complain or vent about anything, but it still means a lot that Angel is someone she can go to, even if she never decides to take him up on that.]

It's a problem you and I both have. We don't like to trouble other people by talking about ourselves.

[He's always focused on his friends' problems rather than his own, always internalized unless it was something that could and would effect the people around him. Maybe it was time to make a change. Maybe keeping himself closed off was why he had so many missed opportunities. It was certainly a big part of why he and Cordelia had never really been what they should have.]

What do you say we work on overcoming that together?

[It's really true. She never wants to trouble anyone, but there's something nice about knowing someone else who has difficulty talking about their own problems. The reply is audio, but it's almost as though her smile can be heard through her words.]

I'll try my best, Angel! I'm sure we both will!

[She sounds determined about it for both of their sakes.]

[There's no mistaking how wide her smile is right now, and that makes Angel smile to himself in turn, finding a bit of solace in the moment. Tohru might have been an unlikely friend, but she was one of the best he's had -- certainly the best around these parts.]

Good. That's settled.

[He says that with a sense of finality; no going back on their word, now.]

I should let you get back to work. Think I'll take a walk. Clear my head a little.

[Tohru's a little hesitant to let him go, but...they did just say they'll work on talking about their problems, right? So she chooses to trust that he'll talk to her again if he's having troubles.]

Okay! I'll be here if you need me, Angel. Good luck!

[Then she hangs up, to give him the space he needs to go clear his thoughts. He'll call again if he needs to; she knows it.]

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[ 004 | Audio/Action ]

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