perseus "i'm a prostitute of feelings" jackson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ripstides) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
entranceway2014-10-12 09:30 pm
ripstides) wrote in entranceway2014-10-12 09:30 pm
( video )
[ Percy likes to think he's open book. a pretty forthcoming guy. he's reliable. for the gods' sake, his fatal flaw is personal loyalty. the only reason he lies is to protect himself or his friends and that's the bottom line. but he can't help holding his breath as he passes the honesty signs in the halls. it starts getting ridiculous. he shields his eyes as he passes, says la la la louder and louder as he jogs down the stairs to get out of the building, away from that word, until he can't hold back anymore. sooner or later, Wonderland's magic digs its claws into everyone. ]
I've been thinking lately about how unpredictable this place is with who comes and goes. [ he remembers Leo vanishing beneath their noses and the crushing guilt - nobody had thought it could happen to them - and Lena, Caroline, and the few other friends he's made in Wonderland and lost. it's been brought to the forefront of his mind by Nico and it keeps lingering. ] There are people who have been here for years and there are people that show up here for a few days that we never see again, and there are others that just seem to be able to keep coming back. And until it happens to you, nobody can tell which one you are. In the mean time, I don't know, I guess it's... [ what's he trying to say? ] We let it become normal.
We don't want to feel it anymore.
Why is that? I mean, why is that okay?
[ he doesn't know why he's so heated about this. ]
If anything, it should remind us of what's important. [ he means who. ] I'm just saying— [ he looks off screen, confused and drawn out of his thought process by the the sound of a piano playing and the sound of someone strumming a guitar when there isn't anyone around him.before he knows it, he's humming, and his knee is jumping and he's really feeling this music for some reason and oh gods, it's happening! if ever there was a moment for zeus to strike him down with lightning, this is it. ]
Feelings uninvited, unable to hide it. [ he's in his own bedroom now and he crosses the room to a photograph in a frame lined with seashells to get right up in the camera. ] Steer clear of this mess, it's best if I don't see your face.
[ going to flip that photo over now. ]
Cause every time you're near me,
My knees start this shaking,
You're just way too charming with that look upon your face.
[ he's not the worst singer in the world but he's not rockstar material either. not that it seems to bother him right now. he miraculously becomes a master of walking and holding his device, still recording, as he walks out of his bedroom. he walks a few doors down, disturbingly close to the bedroom of a particular son of hades. ]
Cause on a whiiiim, I might just kiss you, out of nowhere I might just tell you. [ he raises his hand to knock and doesn't follow through. the one shot that is caught over his shoulder is the room number 007. ] I should go before I come undone.
I gotta walk away, or the three of us might have issues,
Stay away, but I might miss you,
Why is this song better left unsung?
Better left unsung.
[ going to put as much distance between himself and that door as he can, until he leans back against a wall and sinks to the hallway floor, looking into the camera only after he's seated. he sits cross-legged and looks every bit as young as he is. ]
What if I had told you?
Maybe not so bad if I do,
Tell me what would happen,
Happen if I did.
[ suddenly more frustrated: ] This all seems so silly, I never hide my feelings. What's so wrong with it? Maybe I might be just onto something.
Cause on a whiiiim, I might just kiss you,
out of nowhere I might just tell you.
I should go before I come undone.
I gotta walk away, or the three of us might have issues,
Stay away, but I might miss you,
Why is this song better left unsung?
Better left unsung.
[ and as the music fades out, there is a clear and distinct image of Percy Jackson completely and totally embarrassed before he drops his phone and the video cuts out. ]
I've been thinking lately about how unpredictable this place is with who comes and goes. [ he remembers Leo vanishing beneath their noses and the crushing guilt - nobody had thought it could happen to them - and Lena, Caroline, and the few other friends he's made in Wonderland and lost. it's been brought to the forefront of his mind by Nico and it keeps lingering. ] There are people who have been here for years and there are people that show up here for a few days that we never see again, and there are others that just seem to be able to keep coming back. And until it happens to you, nobody can tell which one you are. In the mean time, I don't know, I guess it's... [ what's he trying to say? ] We let it become normal.
We don't want to feel it anymore.
Why is that? I mean, why is that okay?
[ he doesn't know why he's so heated about this. ]
If anything, it should remind us of what's important. [ he means who. ] I'm just saying— [ he looks off screen, confused and drawn out of his thought process by the the sound of a piano playing and the sound of someone strumming a guitar when there isn't anyone around him.before he knows it, he's humming, and his knee is jumping and he's really feeling this music for some reason and oh gods, it's happening! if ever there was a moment for zeus to strike him down with lightning, this is it. ]
Feelings uninvited, unable to hide it. [ he's in his own bedroom now and he crosses the room to a photograph in a frame lined with seashells to get right up in the camera. ] Steer clear of this mess, it's best if I don't see your face.
[ going to flip that photo over now. ]
Cause every time you're near me,
My knees start this shaking,
You're just way too charming with that look upon your face.
[ he's not the worst singer in the world but he's not rockstar material either. not that it seems to bother him right now. he miraculously becomes a master of walking and holding his device, still recording, as he walks out of his bedroom. he walks a few doors down, disturbingly close to the bedroom of a particular son of hades. ]
Cause on a whiiiim, I might just kiss you, out of nowhere I might just tell you. [ he raises his hand to knock and doesn't follow through. the one shot that is caught over his shoulder is the room number 007. ] I should go before I come undone.
I gotta walk away, or the three of us might have issues,
Stay away, but I might miss you,
Why is this song better left unsung?
Better left unsung.
[ going to put as much distance between himself and that door as he can, until he leans back against a wall and sinks to the hallway floor, looking into the camera only after he's seated. he sits cross-legged and looks every bit as young as he is. ]
What if I had told you?
Maybe not so bad if I do,
Tell me what would happen,
Happen if I did.
[ suddenly more frustrated: ] This all seems so silly, I never hide my feelings. What's so wrong with it? Maybe I might be just onto something.
Cause on a whiiiim, I might just kiss you,
out of nowhere I might just tell you.
I should go before I come undone.
I gotta walk away, or the three of us might have issues,
Stay away, but I might miss you,
Why is this song better left unsung?
Better left unsung.
[ and as the music fades out, there is a clear and distinct image of Percy Jackson completely and totally embarrassed before he drops his phone and the video cuts out. ]
no subject
I will stay.
Nobody will break you,
Yeah.
[ Nico crosses his arms and Percy doesn't know why he keeps following him, trying to get through to his good objections. his questions. his reasoning is solid but feelings can't be completely separated from instinct. his voice is more pleading now and he knows he should take the flight of stairs and get out of here, leave now, leave before.. that. too late. he's reaching for Nico's shoulders, his arms, something. if he misses, then it only encourages him to go on. ]
Trust in me, trust in me.
Don't pull away
Trust in me, trust in me.
'Cause I'm just trying to keep it together,
Because I could do worse and you could do better.
no subject
because high school happened and he got to be happy, even briefly, but when it was over he still got to stay in love with Percy, while Percy went back to Annabeth. and now he's trying to confess some form of feelings to Nico, and what? they'll just go back to attempting friendship once they're done? he'd confided in Percy about Derek, had turned to him before anyone else, had been trying so hard to stifle his feelings and do his best to get over him. to prioritize their friendship, because it was too painful not to. and now this-
Percy invades his space before Nico can back up further, hands gripping his arms to keep him there, and Nico's mouth presses into a firm line, looking down at where Percy has his hold on him. ]
But you've broken all your promises to me.
You've broken all your promises to me.
[ he finally looks back up at him, because he's not sure how Percy could do worse than a son of Hades having feelings for him, or how he could possibly do better than Percy. his arms relax, falling back to his sides instead of being locked across his chest. ]
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
no subject
he thinks about the god Janus, doorways and choices, but this isn't something he can choose. they're people, not paths.
Nico relaxes his stance but his words aren't any less harsh. he deserves them. he's done his best to be there for him, to protect him, but he dropped what they shared without looking back only to bring it up now because of another event. his voice might be forced but the truth can't be fabricated. he doesn't have anything else to sing. that's it. that's everything. more of the same song that rehashes the same point over and over. ]
Because I care about you, Nico. [ and feelings are always messy. ] And I don't know how to quit while I'm ahead.
[ you know what? he should probably just get out of here. all he's doing is screwing things up more than they already are. ]
no subject
[ Nico wants nothing more than to let it be true, to know that for even a moment, with their real memories, that Percy has feelings for him. except that it doesn't feel as nice as he thought it might, because even having it for that moment feels like he's betraying another friendship he's been working to actually make. like by allowing himself any measure of happiness about it is just hurting Annabeth, and even Nico can't be that selfish.
it's also impossible to not notice how much she and Percy love each other, that they're meant to be, no matter how much his feelings for Percy factor or not. and the fact that this was broadcast to everyone? Nico knows that Percy couldn't control it, none of them can during events, but he still-
he can't let himself have this, not even for a second, as much as he so selfishly wants to. ]
Don't do this to her, Percy.
no subject
he thought all of that was over.
but now he's positive Aphrodite's meddling, conspiring with Wonderland somehow. nothing else makes sense.
( except that Nico's a good person. someone should have a crush on him. someone should make him hold his head up and give him a reason to laugh even if the jokes are juvenile. he needs someone to open his eyes to what the rest of the world can see as plain as day, rather than doting on some guy that never noticed him ( until now ) because his great love story had already been written. )
it's just easier to say it doesn't make sense. ]
It's not like I volunteered to- [ to what, Percy? ] To feel something for you. I tried to get over it. I thought it would pass. I thought it was because of this place. I kept hoping whatever it was would go away because I'm with Annabeth and that's not going to change. Liking you doesn't make me love her any less and that's completely unfair to both of you.
[ shut up shut up shut up shut up! ]
no subject
because, yet again, he was given the one thing he thought he wanted, followed with it being torn apart. Percy does it in less than ten minutes, and Nico doesn't even know what to say. I tried to get over it, he says. I kept hoping it would go away. like Nico hasn't wanted it to go away for the last four years of his life, like he hasn't wanted it stop.
and Percy just keeps going, and the shadows keep reaching, and, and, and-
the floor rumbles beneath them, like it could split open and swallow them both at any moment, and maybe Nico wouldn't mind that so much. he just lost Derek, lost Stiles too, and now Percy has both confessed and completely shut him down within a few minutes of each other. it's going to ruin any friendship he was attempting to cultivate with him and Annabeth, and it all feels like so much, too much-
so the floor shakes, trembles, and Nico takes another step back, away from Percy. ]
Stop talking.
no subject
No. It's not that simple. None of this is black and white. It's not you or Annabeth—
[ the darkness is swelling around them, moving from every corner of the hallway, as if magnetically drawn to Nico. both of their shadows curl towards Nico and it only makes Percy more frustrated. he has no justification in exploding at him, in asking anything of him but he's tired of the people he cares the most about avoiding everything. he just keeps backing away, boxing it up and trying to erase everything, including what he's worth to people. ]
Stop running away from me!
no subject
[ his anger explodes out of him, rips open a crack! down the hallway just behind Percy, and it's enough to startle Nico to get a grip on himself. the shaking stops as the ground knits itself back together, the same way it had back in Camp Half-Blood all those years. the fissure in the ground scarred over.
Nico's hands shake in the aftermath, and the shadows still reach, crawl closer with the anger that thrums through him. because after all that, after everything, Percy has the audacity to tell him to stop running. after Nico went to him in Derek's absence, after Nico had tried so damn hard to try and let them be friends at Percy's insistence, after everything. ]
It is this simple. It is black and white, because it will never be me, Percy. It's never going to be me, and it will always be Annabeth, because that's how it's supposed to be.
I get it. You feel bad, you feel responsible, and maybe something from our messed up memories stuck around. But like you said, you've tried to get over it, tried to ignore it, and nothing is going to come of it, ever. You've made that perfectly clear. So yes. It's that simple. I'm making it that simple. I'm not the person that someone gets a happy ending with.
no subject
but he never said nothing was going to come of it ever. ] I never said that nothing was going to come of it. Just— [ well??? he makes a frustrated noise. he's not as wordy as Annabeth and Nico; he can't say what he means, can't wrap his head around how to explain that he wants two people at the same time. that's insane, isn't it? he's not a god. he doesn't get to have freaking orgies. not that.. he wants an orgy. wow, okay. ] I don't know.
I feel responsible for you because I care about you. [ there's that word again. ] You made me an impossible promise and you followed through. [ he hasn't lived through it but he believes in Nico. he doesn't need proof. ] But it's not obligation. It's concern. It's how I feel about everyone else in my life. [ don't pull that card on him, mister mopey!! ]
Oh, come on! What hero doesn't deserve a happy ending? Newsflash: we all do, and you're in there with us.
no subject
[ unfair.
he takes a breath, exhales slow. breathing at least causes the shadows to ebb, the calm settling into him so that his hands shake a little less. and he's still upset, still high-strung, but at least it doesn't look like the entire hallway is going to swallow him. ]
I'm not a hero, don't call me that. And even if I were one, that doesn't mean I suddenly get a free pass to happily ever after.
[ Nico tightens his jaw, swallowing back any truth that tries to claw its way up via song. because he's perfectly capable of being honest on his own, it just- takes him a while. ]
You need to go apologize to Annabeth. And you need to leave me alone.
[ and it hurts to say it, to tell Percy to back off, because even if he's so frustrated and so, so angry, he's almost gotten used to them interacting on a regular basis. but after this? after this it makes it too complicated, too hard, too painful. and how is he ever going to get over him if Percy's around him all the time? ]
no subject
[ but he's right. it is unfair. of course it is. to ask either one of them to open their hearts enough for not one person, but two. and he isn't even asking that! not really. he doesn't know what he wants, beyond wanting both of them in his life. to see them smiling, and maybe they could have gotten there if he clamped his teeth down on his tongue when this all started and bit it clean off, saving them all the pain of events like these that play as many games with them as the gods. ]
Why, because of who you are? [ he hasn't forgotten what Nico said in the pool room, before being carried away in the arms of darkness. ] That's stupid. We all deserve happiness. There are good and bad parts of all of our parents.
[ but maybe in the middle of everything else going on, that's not an argument he should try to win. not when Nico shuts him down, plain and simple. and you need to leave me alone. he tries to pick that apart, rolls it around in his head to process it in another way for some other meaning. but it doesn't sound like i need space, it sounds permanent. flinching very minutely doesn't come to him consciously, neither does agreeing with that. how's he supposed to walk away? Nico couldn't even do that. he didn't have to open his bedroom door when he heard Percy singing in the hall, didn't have to tell him about how he makes him feel again, didn't have to share any of his feelings. his chest gets tighter and he has to force himself to breathe, to nod several times, when all he looks is disagreeable towards the idea and as distraught as Nico.
he made this mess, so the least he can do is try and accommodate them. his own feelings be damned. ]
If that's what you want.
no subject
(it's the same reasoning that could easily lead him to do something of his own that he would regret, that could hurt Annabeth even more, but he won't. he can't.)
Nico closes his eyes for a moment, just gives himself a second to breathe. because this event is one of the worst yet, this entire situation is. because Wonderland keeps giving him, or helping to give him, everything he thought he wanted. but it can (and has) take it away just as easily as it has been given, and maybe that's part of it. maybe that's why happily ever after just never made sense for him. ]
It's not just about my dad, it's- Hades kids don't really end up happy, death surrounds us. And I'm okay with that.
[ slowly, slowly, he's getting used to the idea. and perhaps that's part of why he pushes people away so harshly. because too much time around a child of death isn't good for the health of anyone.
the look on Percy's face after he says leave me alone is a crushing weight. it's ice fingers around his heart in a vice grip, blood cold in his veins. and he knows he shouldn't feel guilty, he knows that in order for things to even resemble being okay, he needs to keep Percy at a distance. but just in having him there, Nico knows how impossible it feels by now, how hard it would even be for him at this point to stay away.
and even then, didn't Percy always say that even if Nico wanted him to give up, he never would?
Nico purses his lips into a firm line, debating on how to continue. ]
What I want is for you to be happy. [ and isn't that the truth? because even if he selfishly wants to be the one that gives that to Percy, he ultimately just- wants him to be happy, no matter what that means for him. whether it includes Nico or it doesn't. and it's heartbreaking to know that it'll never be him, but it's just something else for him to come to terms with. ] But I need you to stay away, because I don't know if I can be the one to do it this time.
no subject
Percy doesn't get how that isn't about his dad, but okay. maybe he can't understand it. maybe it isn't like Poseidon ( with kids that sacrifice lives in an arena, that raid ships, as easily as Percy would save them ) with his dual nature. maybe death eclipses everything else and Nico has been right this entire time. he doesn't believe it but he can accept the loose possibility. he thinks what's really at play is that Nico isn't as okay with it as he thinks he should be. he has to get there on his own and all he can do is try and help, which is going to be impacted by Nico's request to stay away from him. ]
I'm not. [ uh, wait. ] I'm okay with who you are but not with what you think it means. I don't think you should have to be alone because of your powers. That you should just push happiness away when it tries to get through. [ that sure sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy there, bro. and nothing good comes from prophecies of any kind in the history of ever, period.
that's what this is. this is Nico pushing him away because he thinks he doesn't deserve happiness. Percy understands that it's at the expense of Annabeth, but part of him wonders if things had been different somehow ( if in some alternate reality where she hadn't factored in ) if Nico would truly embrace this, or if something would still hold him back and away. forever at a distance. always an arm's length away, never close enough to touch.
uh-oh. oh, no. nope, don't go there. don't say that. he should bite his tongue. he should walk away. he should shut up. he should do anything but answer him. he doesn't have the right to put this on him. should never have walked out of his room. he should have barred the door and locked himself in the closet, or maybe had Annabeth knock him out for the duration of the event. but no. no, instead he has to spill his guts and be forthcoming, be honest to the point of brutality. ]
So what's more important? What you want me to be or what you need me to do? [ neither one of them gets to have both things. ] You can't ask me to stay away from you and to be happy.